Sometimes I get really motivated and I have moments where I feel if I can just fix this one thing or work on this one thing I will feel better

it will give me the confidence I need and I won’t be so depressed.

today for the first time in my 38 years of life I went to a salon to get more than just a haircut.

I thought I would do something different something that would add variety to my otherwise dull and depressing life.

I got a balayage. It looks pretty good I think.

There isn’t a huge difference since I have really dark almost black hair the stylist couldn’t go really light because she didn’t want to fry my hair off

After I got it done I went home and my little 6 year old asked “you got your hair done? It looks the exact same as it did before”. I went and looked in the mirror she is pretty much right.

I can tell there are some streaks of lighter hair amidst the dark but other than that it really does look the same.

I’m not really disappointed though because let’s be honest I had nothing to lose.

I used to think to do new things or to treat myself to special circumstances would help me feel better internally since they helped externally sometimes but come to find out they really don’t help all that much.

I might have a few hours of enjoyment as a memory. But it seems that the memory fades too quickly into my reality, the reality that I don’t feel lasting joy,

I don’t feel happiness

I don’t even really feel anything.

I feel numb

I feel alone

I feel empty

No matter what I do on the outside to myself, these feelings or non-feelings aren’t going to go away,

no matter what I wear or what I get done to myself, no matter where I go or who I am with, I am going to keep feeling nothing.

I am a very good actress, Despite what my high school Thespians teacher says. I can fake my way through anything if I want.

I can fool anyone,

I can hide anything and

and I do it all the time.

I do this out of desperation’s sake.

If I didn’t do this I would be a heaped mess on the floor.

If I showed on the outside how I really felt on the inside, It would be an ugly sad scene.

The older I get the more I realize daily that happiness really has to come from the inside out.

But what happens when you have a blessed life and every reason to be happy but you just have no access to those feelings?

What happens when you want SO SO badly to experience life in clarity but you just cant?

Whose fault is this?

I blame myself, although I don’t think I should.

I ask myself what did I do to get myself into this mess. Will I ever be normal again?

As a young person, there are common misconceptions that life is what you make it.

But with mental illness, it seems to not be a choice I get to make.

Sure I can make it look good on the outside, I can dress the part, I can act the part but no matter how hard I try to change my mind and fix it, I cant,

I am broken

I can’t fix it alone.

The only one who can fix it in the end (and maybe that is the only time it will get fixed) is my Savior,

Jesus Christ.

I don’t know exactly how it all works out

I just know that it does through him.

I don’t fully understand all the kinks of life, why some people suffer in ways other people don’t have to.

I just know that it is all part of a bigger better plan.

A plan that is called the plan of happiness.

A plan that is so perfectly written out its eternal.

So even though I can’t fix my mental illnesses now I know he eventually will.

Because he loves me.

He loves all of us, in a way that he allows us to learn and grow.

the way a mother lets her toddler fall and get back up again so he can eventually learn to not just walk… but run.

If you want to learn more about how Christ can help you in your daily struggles with mental illness check it out here.