Today I feel really good, and I feel present for the first time in a long time.

We are at the creek right now and I am looking over the water at my kids having a good time catching minnows and other small fish. 

They love to come here especially the boys.

I feel like I actually want to be with my kids and I don’t really have a desire to escape or wish I could be somewhere else. 

I don’t know what it is about boys but they NEED the outdoors, they need to BE outdoors.

 When Isaac is fishing all of his sometimes hard, mean, self disappears, and he is happy and calm.

If I would let him he would never leave the water.

Anyway, I love that I can have this perspective right now!

I feel as though someone has broken out the dirty foggy glass and I see clearly. It is amazing!!

Is this how I used to feel all the time before I had constant depression?

 Is this what “normal”l people feel like?

I can smell the air, I can take in all the noises and beauty around me.

This feels incredible! 

I want this feeling to last forever, but my past experience has me scared that the reality is that it won’t. 

I don’t like to always feel scared about the future, scared that I will never feel happiness again.

Right now I just can’t get enough of what I am feeling at this moment, it is liberating and so refreshing.

I want to run and jump and scream because I haven’t felt this invigorated in so long!

I’m gonna put down my phone and go be with my kids and enjoy every second of today.

Looking Back

That really was a beautiful moment I had that day. 

I’m not exactly sure how it happened or why it happened. 

It was just a lucky day I guess. 

Sadly the fog did return and I was left in the bubble of constant hopelessness and sadness. 

Having moments like those help me to know that what I have is an actual illness and that I am not just making things up or being overly dramatic. 

I really know I have depression but after living with it for so long I start to rationalize or beat myself up for not just snapping out of it or changing my attitude. 

I wish with everything I had I could hold onto those moments of clarity. Because in those moments life is alive not just survived.