It’s Saturday night, our date night.

I went on a date with Jake tonight I picked him up from work, actually I met him at work and we took his car.

I planned the date this time. Tonight we went to Texas roadhouse for dinner.

We had some really good conversations.

We talked about our kids and specifically how we want to show our boys more love. How we want to start including our kids in one of our dates every month. One kid, one date, each month.

We talked about my blog I have been working on. We talked about the depression coping program I have been writing lately.

It felt good for me to talk. I am usually the one who holds everything in and lets him talk. But not tonight. Tonight I didn’t care and I needed to feel from him that he was interested in me, and what was going on with me.

After Texas Roadhouse, we drove across the parking lot to Chuck E. Cheese. It was funny because Jake thought I was kidding when I told him that is where we were going for the next part of our date, and he tried to change our plans. Ha! I didn’t let him though.

When we got there I bought us play passes with tons of points on them. Jake was a little embarrassed at first thinking we were the only “weird” adults that would come to a kids arcade. He felt that way until we looked over and saw a group of about 6 other “normal” adults that were doing the exact same thing as us. HA!

We played so many games, which included some fun shooting games where we killed spiders and dinosaurs. (I loved looking over at Jake’s face during those games, he was very intense, his facial expressions were cracking me up!) We also played a lot of basketball games, he was really good at those! Skeet ball is still my favorite and of course Deal or No Deal.

We earned a bunch of tickets and then found a couple of sweet kids to give them all to. I loved watching their faces light up as they realized they didn’t have to do anything to earn them.

It was so nice just having fun with him. Feeling like kids but not having kids with us. It’s in those kinds of moments I remember what it was like to date him again as a young college freshman, so carefree, so silly and so FUN.

After he dropped me off at my car at his work. I went to Giant grocery store to get ice cream for A family birthday we have tomorrow.

Now I am by myself again, driving home. I am listening to the Scriptures and thinking too much about life and all of a sudden I just feel nothing…

Just blah, not excited for anything, not really sad about anything, not really happy about anything.

Just numb to the world around me…

I want to feel satisfied and pleased with our fun date night, and I guess I am I just don’t feel it.

I sit here trying to feel any emotion and I’m blank… nothing.

I feel like I’m in a big open room with white walls and no door. I am trapped, I should care that I am trapped but I don’t, I can’t.

I don’t feel any big hopes or dreams for the future, or even any small ones.

Randomly now I start to feel a lot of fear for my future for no explainable reason at all.

Anxiety about what the future will bring.

I feel lost like I don’t know what to do or where to go. I don’t want to think anymore.

I wish I could turn my brain on mute.

I don’t know, right now I just feel blah.

LOOKING BACK

Looking back I had a fun night with my husband. It was so nice to be able to talk to him about things we really hadn’t had time to talk about.

I usually hold back a lot in our conversations. I didn’t start doing this until a few years ago, when I made myself think what I had to say wasn’t as important or relevant as things he wanted to talk about.

Probably because I couldn’t understand my thought process so I figured it was easier not trying to get him to understand it either.

I felt really safe with him that night as I always do.

It was so much fun taking off the pressure of being an adult for a little bit by just playing silly games at Chuck E Cheese together.

This was so good for me & us to do. We both really needed it that night. Jake had been working a lot of extra hours, and I really needed a break from the kids.

I had a lot of anticipation for our date before we went, hoping we could both relax, and thankfully we did.

Driving home alone I let my mind wander to places I shouldn’t have. I should have turned on some upbeat music or called a friend. This would have kept my mind off of the reality of an empty lonely head.

I was probably also really tired. I have learned when I am tired I start to think irrationally.

Sleep really effects me. If I don’t get enough of it I am almost guaranteed to have a low day.

When I got home that night instead of staying up later I went straight to bed.

When I sleep I am able to stop my brain from all the craziness that is going on inside, and I can escape.

I felt better the next morning.

In the morning I am usually able to have more rational thoughts.