Dear Diary, Forever
Perhaps one of the hardest things about depression for me is the realization that it might never go away.
What is it to feel happy?
It is so far from my mind I fear I can’t remember what it is.
I am surrounded by people I love and who love me and yet I can’t access any of those feelings.
It is debilitating and mind-numbing.
I feel so so incredibly lonely.
The loneliness comes from a deep place, a place where it seems no one could ever understand the hurt I feel.
The irate part is I have nothing to be sad about in actuality. I have a family and friends who love me, I have a roof over my head, I have everything I need…
I have to fake happiness or else I get scared everyone around me will stop loving me.
Who wants to be around a gloomy, sad person all the time?…. no one.
Today I was gone most of the day running errands and Jake was home with the kids,
I missed them while I was gone, but as usual, as soon as I got home with them it was as though I immediately wanted to escape again,
I HATE THIS!!!
This isn’t who I am,
this isn’t who I want to be.
Why can I not seem to gain control over my thought processes?
This is not fair, it’s miserable.
The future does not exist in my mind, in my mind, there is no future,
I can’t see it I can’t see anything.
Every once in awhile I will have a short glimpse of it but then it escapes almost faster than I can even remember what it was.
Looking Back
It was a dark day for me. I needed to talk to a friend. I should have called one of my amazing sisters, my mom or friends and let them know how I was feeling that day. If I would have done that a lot of the feelings I was having would have been diminished by sheer distraction.
As a mom, it’s easy to get distracted with all the ins and outs of living with kids, and schedules, but in the days that go on and on and seem to be overwhelmingly monotonous, I need to break it up with different distractions.
It would have helped a lot for me to go run errands and then stop by a friend’s house and chat for a couple of minutes. Or I could have made a quick phone call and asked to meet for lunch with one of them.
I am a people person and I thrive when I am with people I can relate to and connect with. On this day I really needed to be with a friend who sincerely knew me and really cared for me.
I love being with my husband and kids but sometimes being at home makes me think too much. Sometimes I feel too needed emotionally there and I feel I can’t contribute as I should.
With depression and anxiety often times the future is very bleak. Hopes and dreams don’t exist like they used to. It is always good for me to schedule something that I once would have enjoyed doing so that I have a specific scheduled event to look forward to. For example a weekend getaway with my husband or close girlfriends.
What would you have done in my situation on this day?
Diane
I remember feelings similar to what you describe. I felt depleted of energy, enthusiasm, hope for the future. I just keep hanging on. And then it got a lot worse and I found out that I have a stubborn streak that keeps me hanging on. I lost my old life completely –husband, kids, career, self-esteem– and it has taken me a loooooong time to come to terms with that. I still have a lot of anxiety, but the hopelessness is gone. I don’t think I have anything else left to lose, and here I am, still waking up each morning and making it through each day in whatever way I can. Some days I stay in my pajamas all day, and I have decided that is okay. The things that help me most are a daily walk with a friend on the trail where we talk about anything and everything, parents that love me unconditionally and take me out for a Dr. Pepper when I’m too sad, listening to podcasts while mindlessly doing chores (try “Come Follow Me for Us” with Melanie Price Wellman episode 42, Hidden Brain, Invisibilia, This American Life …. they keep my brain engaged. Another weird thing that helped me was reading about other people’s miseries that they didn’t bring upon themselves, like when bad things happen to good people. I couldn’t understand how some Jews came out of the Holocaust forgiving their captors and going on to have love and joy filled lives. It has taken a while, but I’ve learned that I can’t always control how I feel, but I can control how I react. I can’t find the episode, but Sis. Wellman said in one of her podcasts that what she imagines when we get to heaven and look back at our lives then look at all our Heavenly Father is giving us, we will ask, “Is that all I had to put up with to get all this? I could have put up with a lot worse!” I put her quote on my fridge: “Really? Is this all that is required for all that? ” I don’t know where you will find your peace or contentment. It may be different for each one of us. The only certain thing in this life is trials. It could be that your testimony is so strong, that the only trial that would give you any pause is depression since you mastered all the other bodily temptations. You are doing a wonderful thing by normalizing the experience of a lot of women by giving it a voice. You can do anything!