I woke up this morning knowing it was going to be a bad mental health day. If I would have had the choice I would have stayed in bed all day long…no joke.
I could tell when I woke up that I was going to over analyze everything…And I was annoyed with myself for this before my feet hit the floor.
I was supposed to meet some friends for lunch… one of them couldn’t make it because of a sick kid and I used this as my opportunity to bale too. So I told them I was a little sick Too which technically wasn’t a lie.
I just couldn’t make myself go. The thought of pretending to be ok when I really wasn’t made me nauseous. I didn’t want to pretend today. I did t want to make light conversation or deep conversation for that matter.
I DIDN’T WANT TO DO ANYTHING!!!! Which included answering the phone.
of course my friends tried to call and check up on me after they found out I wasn’t feeling well (because they are good friends). I know the sincerely care about me, and that should feel good to know. But today it didn’t . I just wanted to hide from it all no pretending, no faking, no “how ya doing” or “Im doing well”, NOTHING.
I had other people call me today too. People I love talking to normally, but I didn’t answer, I couldn’t make myself do it. I didn’t want to this time.
I did talk to my sister and my mom… but they don’t count as other people, because honestly they feel like they are an extension of myself. I knew that I could be 100% no fluff with them and they would get it 100% with no apology or explanation needed. But even with talking to them I kept it short and sweet.
What I did do today is be with my kids outside. The sun was so bright, the air a little warm and I sat on the back deck and soaked it in. It was HEAVEN!!! I could have sat there forever. We also took a walk it was nice. Really nice.
I had to Text and apologize to a couple people today for not picking up the phone.
maybe tomorrow will be a better day… but maybe not. Hope is low right now so not expecting much.

LOOKING BACK

I haven’t been taking my antidepressants consistently lately and I can tell a HUGE difference. My hope is low and pessimism is high. I am over analyzing everything people are saying reading into things way too much. And for this reason I need to be more consistent with them.
I took it easy on myself today and that was ok. Instead of over stressing about dinner I picked up some pizza for the kids. Instead of keeping the house clean all day or even trying I let it go and didn’t worry about the mess till later tonight and then I had the kids do their chores.
instead of multi tasking after the kids got home from school trying to fit everything in, we all snuggled up on the couches and binged a new kids series on Netflix together.
looking back I was tired and just needed a break from anyone else outside my own home.
I have no regrets about today. It felt good to lean into it instead of trying to fight it like usual.