I just can’t do it.

My daughter is sad, and so am I… I gave her hugs and kissed her goodnight, she doesn’t say it but she wants me to stay with her in her room and talk to her, she wants me to listen to her and she will tell me all the reasons she is sad.

I tried to talk myself into staying and just being with her, but the thought of it makes me so anxious I feel sick and I want to escape as fast as I can.

How can I listen to her be sad when I can’t even handle myself? How can I help her feel better when the majority of today I was helpless and hopeless too?

I LOVE HER

I just don’t want to cry in front of her again. I want to be the strong one. I want to be the secure one.

But…I’m not… not now…not tonight.

I love Him too

My son wants me to stay and talk to him it’s 10:30 at night… he is worried about going to middle school. The reality is that I am worried about him going to middle school too.

I’m so sad and worried about it I don’t want to talk to him. I have no good advice to give him. I want to be happy and excited for him to grow up but…

I can’t I just can”t

I will deal with it tomorrow when I will maybe not be so sad, and so tired.

LOOKING BACK

Looking back on that day, I realize I was exhausted. Jake had been working 60 plus hours a week and it was summertime. School was getting ready to start and all of us were getting anxious about things we had no control over.

My kids were tired too, they most likely needed sleep more than anything else.

As a mom, it is really hard for me to feel like I am the one in charge of EVERYONE’s emotions in the whole house. At times it’s like I am the one who NEEDS to make sure everyone is happy 100% of the time. Like I should have everything together all of the time. When in reality this concept is an impossible goal that is 100% unattainable. As it should be.

As I have struggled with depression and anxiety the thought of making everyone happy becomes even more persistent in my mind. For some reason, I feel like because I am so sad I need to make sure no one else ever feels as awful as I feel. In reality, hard things are a part of life.

Kids aren’t stupid, they can tell when we are not our “normal” selves. They can tell when we have bad days too. They might not say it but they can feel it.

looking back I should have just said to my two oldest kids, “I don’t feel very well today, I am really tired and I am feeling really overwhelmed and down. I can tell you are sad too. How about we get some good sleep tonight and then we can talk about how you are feeling in the morning”.

I often forget that it is ok for my kids to see that I struggle with things, that I am human too. I have come to know that the more real I am with them and the more I open up to them about the way I feel they feel more open with me to come to me and talk to me. Or they feel like they can ask me how I am feeling that day. Sometimes they just come up and give me a hug and tell me they love me.

It gives them leeway to be imperfect and human too. It takes the pressure off that they feel as kids to always be on their A-game all the time.

Even though my children don’t have the same life experience and perspective as me doesn’t mean that they can’t help me get through hard times as I can help them.

I can be there for them and they can see that we all help each other through everything, The good, the bad and the UGLY!