Lately I have felt it almost impossible to be able to focus. I have noticed this previously with my mental illnesses but for some reason recently it feels more exaggerated than before.
If I sit down to write out a game plan for my day I am quickly distracted with something else. It almost feels like a physical force that won’t allow myself to proceed with what I want to do. It feels like my mind does not want to take any extra effort to do anything more than it is already constantly doing.
If I sit down to play a game with my kids, after about 30 seconds I have lost all interest and ability to enjoy myself playing it with them.
I know there are lots of people who have trouble concentrating or finishing a task without going on to the next thing, especially as mothers because we are being pulled in what seems to be a hundred different directions at once. But this is something different something more extreme then just not finishing a mundane task or feeling the need to always finish everyone else’s sentences.
This is deeper and it hurts.

The thing I find most disappointing with this part of depression and anxiety is the aspect of not being able to feel spiritually nourished when I long to do so. Ever since I can remember I have always found comfort and felt Gods love from reading the scriptures. But over the last few years or so I will sit down with my scriptures having the motivation and sincere desire to feast but as soon as I lock eyes with the words on the page my mind goes blank and it feels as if everything goes directly in and and then right back out. I can’t hardly seem to process any of the information I am reading if it’s for more than a minute or two. I’m not exaggerating either. It has been awful because I so want to be filled with the spirit with knowledge and faith from the pages of the scriptures.

I have been troubling myself over this for awhile now, and have been pleading with God to help me. But time and time again I sit down to study and the same thing happens. Or I try listening to the scriptures and it happens too. Doesn’t he want me to be nourished by his words? Why isn’t he helping make it easier for me? Feelings of guilt had started to creep in more and more as time had continued to go on. Feelings of “you are not worthy to be able to focus”, “you are not being obedient enough to be able to feel the spirit”, and other lies like that.

Today A was assigned to do the scripture for our church at home. He came and asked me to help him find one he could share with our family. I told him to open to Alma 32 because you can’t go wrong with that chapter. It is filled with wisdom and comfort. I was thinking he could do a scripture on faith but I felt inspired to read different verses. I read verses 11-13. They talk about humility and how sometimes it is good to be poor because we are forced to be humbled. This verse was an answer to a million prayers that I had constantly been praying. Answers of comfort came flooding to my mind and heart. I sat and thought about how that happened and I had the most comforting feeling that my prayers to Heavenly Father that I had been praying to him the last several months about helping me be able to focus were not going unanswered.
After that experience I began to think back to several other experiences that had happened to me of prayers of knowledge and feasting that had happened. I had been waiting for answers to my prayers to come in the form of me being able to sit for an extended period of time and read the scriptures and write down promptings and reflect and ponder. But I hadn’t realized Heavenly Father had been answering my prayers the whole time. He was just doing in a way he knew I could be able to internalize the promptings right now even while suffering with depression and anxiety.
I feel so blessed that he knows me so well. He didn’t take away my illness but he has (without me even realizing it) consistently provided a way to answer my prayers and the deepest desires of my heart.
I know he knows me, and loves me. The more I accept and realize this the more I feel love for other people. Gods plan is amazing. Sometimes it feels confusing and it doesn’t make sense. But if we trust in him it ALWAYS works out because he wants us (more than anybody) to succeed in all aspects of our lives, and I love him for it.

Looking Back

The inability to be able to focus is a real part of depression and anxiety. It’s not something we choose or does not happen because we are lazy and don’t want to sit still long enough to concentrate. Before I knew this about D&A I constantly felt I was just stupid. Now that I know it is one of my symptoms I have found ways to navigate around it. I can listen to things while I am doing something else. If I am on the phone with my sister I can clean my house, otherwise the task would feel too large to be able to focus on and complete. It kind of tricks my mind into doing something it subconsciously does not want to focus on. Playing music in the background and dancing in between doing dishes or helping a child with homework can help.
Instead of sitting down to read my scriptures I have found it helpful to look up short quotes or topics about them or verses using Pinterest, or here.

I have also been working through getting rid of feelings of guilt. Feelings of not trying hard enough or being good or smart enough to focus and feel the spirit. When those thoughts come to mind I challenge them by rejecting them and moving on, instead of entertaining them or agreeing with them.

As far as being able to focus in other areas of my life, I try to minimize my to do list. I take smaller steps that don’t overwhelm me instead of trying to take on more than my mind can handle. Goal setting looks different for me than they have in years past, they are bite sized and that’s ok.

one day at a time one foot in front of the other…

Have you ever felt anything like what I explained above? If so What has helped you focus?

xo

Sara