Looking in the mirror right now….I feel disgusted.

How did I possibly let myself go like this?

I’ve had 6 pregnancies and I have worked my butt off after each one to get back in shape to lose the 50 to 60 lbs I gained each time.

Then I would repeat the cycle,

get pregnant,

have the baby,

lose the weight,

etc. etc. you get the picture right?

The weight came off

After I gave birth to my last baby I did the same I worked so hard to get the weight off only that time I wasted a ton of money doing it.

After the weight came off I felt so good so full of energy, so alive in my body. I wanted the weight to stay off,

I wanted to feel that good consistently for the rest of my life…

I gave away all of my “fat” clothes,

I was determined to never go back to that overweight place again..

but then I hit rock bottom with my depression again….

Food = pleasure

The only thing that seemed to give me an instantaneous boost of pleasure, or delight was food.

And that was a year ago.

Now I have gained back all the weight and more.

I see people around me doing diets eating nutrient-dense foods, making and keeping fitness goals, and as I see them it is as if I feel directly insulted like I’m getting a big SLAP in the face. Because as much as I have done all those things before to stay healthy,

I CAN’T SEEM TO DO IT NOW!!!

To this day, If I take away the food, the instant quick boost of pleasure I feel that gives me satisfaction doesn’t exist anymore it seems.

If I take that surge of energy away what do I have left to feel?

I have nothing,

I feel nothing.

And then at the same time, I feel worse right after I indulge almost instantly. My head doesn’t like it, but somehow my mind seems to desperately need it.

my body hates

It’s a two-edged sword… its the worst…

I keep on keeping on

Do I keep exercising daily? yep I do.

do I keep adding nutrient-dense foods into my normal diet? Yes, I do.

Do I lose weight when I do these things? no I don’t because I still eat the crap food & the junk food and I cant seem to make myself stop!

I hate this feeling of being trapped in a body that isn’t mine, a body that tires easily, a body that feels sick mentally and physically.

I’ve tried everything

I have tried every diet, done every work out program set what seems like millions of goals…

Why can’t I get a grip?

Why can’t I get unstuck?

HELP!

Looking Back…

This is a hard one because honestly, I’m still in this… I am still struggling with this exact thing as I type. The only thing I feel differently about is the feeling of disgust when I look in the mirror.

I took a program that taught me how to love myself again for the beautiful creation that I am… Sometimes I find myself going back to that thought of disgust but then I remember that it’s not real and it’s not helpful at all.

My Favorite Quote I learned recently and I say this to myself all the time in so many different situations when I am faced with self negativity is this…

“love did NOT create this therefore it is not real”

I am more concerned about my actual health now than the way that I look on the outside. I am very worried about taking care of myself so that I can be healthy in my body.

In the past, as I have eaten healthy I have felt a HUGE difference from when I don’t do that.

I have a brain fog almost constantly. I am so tired all of the time. I feel like I can’t wear clothes that remotely are tight or are touching my body.

Eating health-giving foods helps me feel so much better and I know it.

It’s just that it is so hard to actually eat those foods when you have no motivation to do almost ANYTHING!

What are some ways you eat healthy while living with depression and anxiety?

I would love your tips an tricks.