Have you ever felt like you want to just disappear?

Have you ever wondered what life would be like for those around you without you in it? Have you ever felt like their lives might be better if you never existed?

Have you ever felt like you cause more pain than peace in other people’s lives?

Have you ever wondered why you can’t just be complacent with where you are in life instead of always wishing you were doing something or being somewhere else?

Have you ever wished you could stop being so suspicious of every little thing around you, over analyzing everyone else’s words or even your own thoughts?

Have you ever looked to the future and were not able to see anything except for total blackness in it?

Have you ever been physically surrounded by people but at the exact same time felt a deep unexplainable sense of loneliness?

Have you ever felt ashamed for wanting and always feeling like you need a break, and then after you get one its never long enough or it didn’t do any good? And then you find yourself searching for the next break.

Have you ever been surrounded by people you love and aware of a million blessings you have, and know you are so grateful, but you can’t feel any happiness from your current reality?

Have you ever wanted to go to sleep and felt as though you wish you would never wake up?

Have you ever been really happy and then What seemed like only a moment later felt the lowest down possible?

Have you ever wondered or felt like no matter how hard you try to explain what you are feeling no one quite understands the pain you constantly personally experience inside?

Have you ever felt like you were the only one to ever ask any or all of these questions?

To every single question asked above, I can personally answer YES!

I have asked myself each of those questions at one time or another over the past 11 years.

Each time I have asked them to myself, I feel alone, isolated, and usually hopeless.

Those questions can be scary, and I tell you, they are scary to write.

“What will people think?”, I ask myself.

“What will people say about me if I tell them they way I have really felt?”, I wonder.

“They won’t understand, they will think I am just crazy, an over emotional woman who needs to stop over reacting and over thinking”, I supect.

“They will distance themselves from me even more than they already do because I am depressed, too sad and confused for them to help me.”

They will say “she doesnt have a good self esteem or value herself at all”.

“They will say Just “do this”, or “do that” and you will feel better Sara”.

“They might say, “you aren’t really trying hard enough, happiness is a choice only you can make”.

Even though these speculations can be scary, time and time again when I put myself out there when I have written the raw unfiltered truth it never fails that the exact opposite happens.

People respond,

People listen.

People help.

People love.

Behind the scenes on my end, private emails and messages come, people (you) are telling me, you (Or someone close to you) have felt the same way as I have.

You are thanking me for writing about these hard, sometimes unexplainable feelings.

You are telling me it helps you understand your own thoughts or helps you understand and help someone else you love that may be going through something similar.

You are telling me your own stories of trial and triumph that sound very similar to my own.

You are asking me for help, and asking for me to write more, and explain more about specific parts of depression and other mental illnesses you are struggling through.

You are reminding me I am not alone that I am doing a good thing sharing and helping where I can.

You are telling me you feel supported and that sometimes small flakes of hope have crept back into your own life now knowing someone else “gets it”.

I sometimes wish I never had this blog, because having it means that I am suffering from something I don’t have control of fully.

Writing on this blog reminds me that life can be hard, harder then I want it to be most times.

Having this blog reminds me that some of you are struggling too, and knowing that makes my heartache.

Writing this blog means for me there is still no cure for these isolating illnesses of depression and anxiety.

Even still

It’s worth it.

Having this blog is also a constant reminder of Love. The love that exists between humans just being themselves.

It’s a reminder that we all struggle with things seen and unseen.

It’s a reminder that I can do hard things.

That I am doing hard things now. That we can all do hard things together and help each other out on the way.

It’s a reminder that together with God all things are possible.

A reminder that giving up is not an option for me.

It’s a reminder that life is gift .

The people we share our gifts with are the ones who change us the most.

xoxo

Sara