Or maybe there are words just not the right ones to explain exactly how I am feeling.

I feel empty,

I feel hopeless,

I feel lost,

I feel sad and scared. I feel like I am living in one of those hamster balls that roll around all over the ground but just keeps bumping into things time and time again only to really go nowhere.

I can’t quite explain my feelings because it seems everyone I tell them to interprets them the way it makes sense to only them and of course they would, it is impossible to completely understand what someone else is feeling because we are all original in our perspectives, and personalities and experiences.

I was at a high school football game the other night and as I sat there with some adult friends I looked over at my daughter who is a freshman now, who was sitting in the student section. She was surrounded by mostly strangers (because we just moved into this area a couple of months ago). She looked scared and uneasy and like she didn’t fit in, but she wanted to so bad.

Automatically memories from my own high school experience came flooding back and I felt those same feelings it looked like my daughter was having. I wanted to save her from going through that awkward situation I wanted to tell her it would all be ok, I wanted to tell her how beautiful and sweet and absolutely amazing she is no matter how she feels when she is around other people.

But…

I didn’t

I just keep it all to myself.

I wanted to tell her that I feel that way too right now, now in my life, I feel that way. I feel like I don’t belong

ANYWHERE!!!

EVER…

But then I knew if I told her that then she would worry about me, and I’m the mom, she shouldn’t be worrying about me. I should be worrying about her.

I feel so disconnected. I feel so out of touch.

In a fog always

I feel like I am always a burden instead of a help.

My dad just died, and honestly, I would be lying if I said I had the best relationship with him while he was alive. Because I really didn’t. Don’t get me wrong I loved him and I knew he loved me, but I never knew how to connect with him. I never knew how to fully reach him. I could never quite understand why either, and it always bugged me too.

I hated that.

But even if I couldn’t talk to him and confide in him all the time, he always helped me feel secure. It was something about him that made me feel like everything would always work out.

And somehow with him

it always did.

Now he is gone and people keep telling me that he will still be there for me, that he will still watch out for me. I want to believe them so badly but somehow I don’t quite feel like it is possible;.

Everything seems heavy and dark, and…

b l a n d.

There is nothing to get me out of bed in the morning that I am excited about.

People are a disappointment.

Life is a disappointment.

I feel like an adult trapped in a child’s mind.

Sometimes I hear about other people’s lives and wonder what it must feel like to not feel trapped, to not feel like a prisoner in your own head.

I’m scared for the future, but then again at the same time, I don’t even really care.

Nothing I am feeling makes sense.

Nothing I am feeling brings hope.

There are really no words… zero…

NO words.

Looking Back

Coming soon…