Dear Diary

I keep distancing myself from everyone I need, everyone I love.

It makes me sad.

I know I am about to enter dangerous grounds when I do this because I alienate myself further away from light and hope.

I’m not doing it purposely

but actually I guess I am.

I feel like I can’t relate to anyone anymore,

I feel like they don’t understand

like what I am going through will just bring them down too if I share it with them.

I feel like they won’t take me seriously or blow it off like it’s normal.

Most of my best friends who were with me when this whole illness emerged in me are gone now, they don’t live close anymore.

If I talk to them on the phone I don’t want to waste time with my depressing life story… I guess it is my life story now… I guess it will forever be my life story.

I saw my mom go through this as I grew up. I didn’t really understand it, I just knew she was sad a lot, and it weighed on me knowing I couldn’t fix it for her.

My kids see me and I know they feel the weight of a mom who is sad, a mom who wants to escape constantly.

Hopefully, they also can see a mom that loves them through it all.

It’s not that I really want to escape I want so badly not to want to escape.

I just can’t figure a way out of this maze in my mind.

A maze is what it is, as soon as I think I have figured a way out, the walls close in and it leads me back to the same continual loop I have been trailing for years, over a decade now.

Some days are worse than others.

Some days I can’t stop crying,

Some days I can’t stop yelling,

Some days I feel nothing, and I desperately want to disappear.

The thought of disappearing feels hopeless too because I know it’s not possible.

I love sleeping though because my mind doesn’t think while I am asleep and I can just be.

I don’t have to try to navigate what I am feeling or what I am not feeling it’s just peace and it’s so nice. The days are getting darker and colder now which means winter is around the corner.

Dark…

Dreary…

Winter…

I hate winter I hate it so much.

I need to get back into therapy I need to reach out again and get help even though in reality it feels hopeless like it’s not going to work, like it might work for a short period of time but then it won’t again.

Sometimes it feels easier to just do nothing to just let life happen and not try to understand or try to fix things.

It’s so hard to do the things I know will relieve me a little it’s so hard to keep fighting day after day, year after year.

I have to just take it moment by moment sometimes.

I’m not giving up

I’m choosing not to ever let that be an option.

I’m in this for the long haul so I might as well keep on keeping on.

Looking Back

This was a very very low point for me. I was feeling very isolated. Not because of others but because I allowed myself to believe that no one else cared about me except for me.

It is a slippery slope when I realized people were reaching out to me but I automatically rejected it and chose to wallow in despair. Not because I wanted to feel awful but because I didn’t feel I had enough strength to ask for sincere genuine help.

I spoke to my sister later on this same day and she automatically knew I was not Ok.

She comforted me and told me how much I had helped her and how I am helping other people.

I needed that, I needed her.

At this point in my journey with depression thoughts of suicide were not in my mindset. But thoughts of disappearing magically were.

I knew that suicide wasn’t an option that I wanted to take but I also felt the pressure of wanting to make everyone elses lives easier by my absence.

• Here is a video of a boy who fought depression and his story of how he chose to stay and not commit suicide.

This is a lie my mind would tell me when I was really low.

I believe it is Satan’s lie. He knows if he can trick us into believeng we are worthless he can trick us into getting rid of us and all the good we can do on this earth.