Dear Diary, June 2010

I can’t believe he is here! A baby boy! I thought all along he would be a girl. I decided not to find out what the baby’s sex was while I was pregnant because we had a boy and a girl already.

I thought it would be a nice surprise for the fun and anticipation of it all. I had all the little girl clothes washed and ready to go thinking for sure it would be a little miss.

Boy was I ever wrong! But we are so happy to have him in our family.

We named him Andrew David after Jake’s middle name and Jake’s amazing uncle David who was just diagnosed with terminal cancer.

His labor was all-natural, I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!! I repeat

I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!

The first 14 hours were amazing I was in and out of the Jacuzzi tub, I was doing my Hypnobirthing, I was focused, and calm, it was beautiful, just as I had planned. Just as I had prepared myself for months to happen.

Then I all of a sudden I felt the urgent need to push, the nurse then reminded me I couldn’t deliver the baby in the tub and that I had to get out. My body wanted the baby out and it wanted to push. After I made it to the bed the nurse told me again I wasn’t fully dilated and that I couldn’t push. After I heard those words leave her lips

ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE….

I lost concentration,

I lost focus

and I almost lost my sanity,

I was in so much pain! I was that crazy lady you see on TV with the unrealistic screaming and threats to her husband of why he did this to her.

There were moments when I was biting his arm and praying out loud frantically. It was a little embarrassing at the moment but I guess I didn’t care enough not to do it.

I was CRAZY!

The Dr. Came in and asked my husband why I wanted a natural birth, he said, “I don’t know she just wanted to try it I guess”. (The real reason was that I had a bad experience with my last 2 epidurals)

I wanted to yell, GET ME THE MEDS NOW!

but it was too late…

As soon as she gave me the go-to push, Andrew was born within 5 seconds.

At 9 lbs 4 oz. no wonder I was in so much pain.

I was still in extreme pain for several minutes after he was born too. I literally laid there not moving, I didn’t even care to know what sex he was. (for some reason Jake snapped a picture of me laying in the hospital bed at that moment, my face was white and I looked like death)

After about 15 minutes of cleaning him up and weighing him and footprints etc. I heard a nurse yell from across the room,

“OH, BY THE WAY, IT’S A BOY!”

They wanted me to breastfeed him right away and I bluntly said NO! I just couldn’t do it, I didn’t want anyone to touch me. I wouldn’t even hold him for a very long time after he was born.

Daddy got lots of one on one time with him that night.

About an hour later I felt complete back to normal and I was up walking and moving again. I got to snuggle him, he is so sweet.

Breastfeeding was a disaster though. His tongue was tied and he could not latch correctly.

I was discouraged because I had had such a great experience breastfeeding Isaac that I thought Andrew would be just as simple.

But it wasn’t….

The lactation consultant came in the next day and worked with us. She asked me about my home life. I told her I had a 1-year-old and a 3-year-old at home.

I told her I had been struggling with depression during my pregnancy.

She looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Sara, If you want to breastfeed Andrew you will eventually be able to, but it is going to be a long tough road getting to that point because of his latching problems. And you have 2 other little children at home that are going to need a lot of attention from you too. I am not telling you what to do but maybe you should consider bottle-feeding Andrew. It seems like the added worry and stress of getting him to breastfeed right might end up causing more problems than not. The most important thing for you to do is feed your baby, it ultimately doesn’t matter if it comes from your breast or if it comes from a bottle with formula”.

At that exact moment is when I decided, I wasn’t going to breastfeed him, and It was going to be ok.

I felt as if a thousand pounds had been lifted from my chest, the guilt of not breastfeeding left me and I felt so much better and more connected to Andrew than I had before.

Looking Back

I really did want to have a natural calm birth. I wanted to prove to myself I could do it. I also had bad experiences with my first two deliveries getting the epidural.

I had studied about Hypnobirthing and had been practicing and preparing to do it almost my whole pregnancy. I did do it successfully for the first solid 14 hours of intense contractions and labor pains, it really worked.

All Hypnobirthing really is teaching yourself not to fear birth, focusing on the fact that it is a natural process that our bodies are made to do.

I had been teaching myself ways to relax and take my mind off of the pain and focus on the beauty of the situation, instead of making it like it was an abnormal medical procedure.

All of those things sounded great in theory and really did work but when transition hit I was not as prepared as I thought I was.

Epidurals are AMAZING! After that labor, I vowed to always get an epidural when I had more children.

Another thing I learned from my experience is that I should have listened to my body and not the nurse. Sure the nurse had been trained to know what to do, and she would have most likely been right for any other birth. But hindsight my body was telling me if I would have pushed it would have gradually dilated faster and let the baby out a lot sooner. I should have held my ground and listened to my natural instincts instead of an outsider. I really think this would have been a much less traumatizing had I done that.

Am I glad I went through with a natural birth? yes I am. Does it make me any more of a woman because I did? No, definitely not.

I am pretty happy about the situation now that I can look back on it far from that day it happened. I learned so much about myself that day, I learned my body is super smart way smarter than I give her credit.

I learned I am NOT CALM BY ANY MEANS WHEN I AM IN PAIN! I learned with intense practice and desire I can do anything I put my mind to.

Above all, I learned that pain or no pain I love the miracle of birth, and I love getting to take a literal part in creating life.

The lactation consultant was the best I had ever had. She cared not only about Andrew’s well being but mine too. She was sincere and realistic. She knew that no matter how much she worked with us to get Andrew’s latch right it was probably not going to be worth it physically or emotionally for me.

I have no regrets looking back on his birth, it was tough but so am I.