I have had lots of visitors in October and last week too. It was so so good to have them here. So good to be with people who know me so well I can be 100% authentic with them and they love me for it. While they were visiting I felt uplifted and rejuvenated and distracted (which is sometimes a very frequent way I find myself coping).

Last week while my mom and sister were here I had a moment of realization that even though they were here and I was loving every second of it (and dreading the time when they would have to leave again) I still found myself in a dark place. Depression hits me in the face even harder when I realize I am surrounded by my favorite people in the whole world and I still can’t snap out of the dark mental fog that envelopes me. It just reminds me over and over and over again that this is an illness not a weakness.

I talked to J and E today. Both amazing women who inspire me. Both helped pull me through the trenches I was in today.

E reminded me to “lean into” my depression to stop always trying to escape it. To just be in it and accept the fact that it is perfectly ok to do so. She reminded me that one day it would be gone, but for now just basically just embrace it. E is such a wise sincere person. Her insight is almost always perfectly thorough. Even though she might be going through a rough patch right now in her own life, she never hesitates to reach out to those who need her, and for this, I am so grateful.

J is going through a really hard time right now and it was hard for her to tell me how she was really feeling because she just was too angry about it today, and I totally get what she meant and was ok with that. She did tell me about what was going on and I wanted to take it away from her so bad.

I was hoping she would not ask me how I was feeling because I didn’t want to tell her the truth. The truth that I wasn’t doing good at all. But inevitably she asked me anyway.

I tried telling her I was fine but I couldn’t hold back from being honest with her. She does that to me. Because she is so dear to me I feel too safe telling her all the things I hold in from most everyone else. The words just spilled out of my mouth and I could not hold back. But, I am so glad that happened because her advice and kindness were the exact remedies I needed today. Of course, I cried, and I could barely talk because of my sobs and mostly I just said uh hu while she unloaded her sympathy on me.

Her words were like a huge bandaid to my soul. She said “Sara if you were paralyzed and couldn’t walk, would you still expect yourself to stand up every day? No, you wouldn’t because your expectations would not be that you would need to do that”. She said, “lower your expectations and just allow yourself to only do what you can while you are in this rough depression”. She said so many other things that helped but I can’t write them out good enough to do them justice.

I told her that I felt guilty being so upset about my mental health because in every other aspect of my life I was fine, and I felt like I was mocking people who had “real trials”. She kept telling me that this was my “real trial” and that God was aware of it and it is just as important to him that I got help with it like someone else going through a more physical one.

Looking Back

Talking to my friends today helped me realize how much I need to talk things out more. When I talk it relieves incredible amounts of mental pressure, and I almost immediately feel the benefits from it.

Today I am embracing my illness as I would a gift. Because I realize God loves me but he is not going to take this away from me right now. I know he hears my endless pleading prayers asking to be healed. I know he has not abandoned me. As I sat and thought today about how I wasn’t doing anything awful to deserve this illness, the impression came to me that this is a gift I was given not a curse.

It did not come in a beautifully wrapped package, I did not want it or seek after it. But if managed and taken care of properly I can still learn to appreciate it.

My deepest most intense desire is that I can take this hard part of my life and use it to help anyone else who might be going through similar things. It would make all of my struggles with it worth it. And I feel blessed to know one day this despair will somehow be for my own good as well.